THE RETICENTS' SELECTED SINGALONGASONGBOOK

JOHN PEEL
(Lyrics: Paul Hamilton)

radio plays white noise in the night
pause the tape, thinks: "what is this shite?"
turn it on again; it might be good
anyway you don't wanna drop off
and miss terry edwards
or his dubness lee perry
or a rarity courtesy of morrissey
reception starts packing up
hit the transistor with your tea cup
the dregs splash your nme
on the moody shot of polly harvey
a blast from the past - it's no action
by elvis costello & the attractions
who would dare to play such a thing
to make your eyeballs dance
and your heart sing?
john peel!

view the art students dressed in black
minds wrapped in three-chord anorak
holding down the snakebite
propping up the bar
discuss the whereabouts
of the mighty wah!
who championed
tyrannosaurus rex
and poor ian curtis
before he got it in the neck
and the floyd
before they scored all that wedge
frank sidebottom, kev and lol
david gedge
who would follow roy orbison
with misty in roots - well irie, mon?
john peel!

no rock royalty, no courtiers or riders
his in-tray was the outre, nature's nutters and outsiders
the don, the fischer, the maniac with a synth
a platoon of loons worship at his plinth
frankie goes to pieces
mark e. falls apart
atv goes off-air
vibrators won't start
x ray spex are broken
boomtown rats jump ship
uk subs are sunk
buzzcocks go limp
slits are cut up
wire has snapped
someone's missing
who filled the gap?
john peel!


HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
(Lyrics: Paul Hamilton)

standing on the courtroom step
will someone please give me a cigarette?
i gave them up for the kids and her
now i need to see something else get burned
and go up in smoke, then left flat by a soulless boot
... happy birthday to you.

standing in my least worst clothes
seeing her take the house tied up in bows
happy never after for this black-hearted baddie
here comes prince charming, my girls' new daddy
handsome and dashing, driving to their rescue
... happy birthday to you

happy birthday to you
every day's a happy birthday to you
enjoy the present, return the past
happy birthday... i hope it's your last.

in his car on the forecourt
i can see you shuddering
but you got what you wanted
i've lost all i had
surely it's me who should be blubbering
and suffering?
come on, admit it
that you loved me once
when we were daft
and we laughed
before we turned into cunts.
the realisation's smacked me in the head;
the girl i would have died for - has left me for dead.

i've got to pay you to clothe and feed
children you won't let me see
it sticks in my throat to mention
you're taking half my pension
i gave you my youth - now you've taken my future too
... happy birthday to you

happy birthday to you
every day's a happy birthday to you
enjoy the present, return the past
happy birthday... i hope it's your last.


EXCELLENTE PRESIDENTE
(Lyrics: Paul Hamilton/Andy Thomson)

we fly tonight to barcelona
bromide pills to soften the boner
glide nonchalant through customs
so no green hat barks, 'bust 'em!'
we're sweating, we're nervous
the lost luggage louts swerve us
we're the gold lame barmy army
this town will fold like origami
we got gas, we got shooters
in 48 hours generalissimos will salute us
no slackers, wasters, glassbacks or moaners
we're taking barcelona

we're meticulous cos in this game
there's no safety net
we've studied flamingo dancing
and packed our exploding castanets

we drive tonight to gay paree
brut 33 is our pot pourri
there's jock mcheadlock, ex- sporran legion
ardant fanny from the leather region
a mile of fire down the champs elysses
they'll lose their heads if they don't do as we say
no stopping for a breather
our money's in geneva
daily rag - special edition
when we accomplish our mission
see our capped teeth gleam
we are the new regime

dissenters will hang like christmas balls
from the eiffel tower
it's a dirty job but we're cleaning up
let them eat soap in the shower

excellente presidente
welcome to your land of plenty
wave to sick and poverty-stricken
from your solid gold car

we sail tonight into sydney harbour
down in godzone, south of java
screams of 'pommy, can you hear me?' in the opera house
reduced to rubble by sammy scouse
gonna hack down the eucalyptus trees
gonna crack down on aborigines
send 'em back where they originated
liberal intolerance won't be tolerated
we're cautious, we're nervous
but soon we'll be cruising like kings in our porsches
it's a criminal state, a moral failure
that will change when we take australia

excellente presidente
vile profiles refused entry
shots for rabies, you're kissing babies
from your bulletproof car

excellente presidente
welcome to your land of plenty
wave to sick and poverty-stricken
from your solid gold car


THEY DIED WITH THEIR PHONES ON
(Lyrics: Paul Hamilton)

no-one's got multiple sclerosis
no-one suffers deep-vein thrombosis
we got screen tan, constant connecting
l.m.a.o. about the bars we got wrecked in

check this, check that, i got stylish neurosis
crowd's like the red sea and i'm their moses
gotta keep it now, keep it coming rapid
gotta keep plugged in whether crucial or vapid

got the world in my pocket
got the future in the bag
riding on a rocket
i leave you where you stand
got new teeth to grin
got new hands to shake
got new wars to win
got new necks to break

this is kemo sabi, tonto
why's everyone horizontal?
they died with their phones on
died with their phones on
statistics on a graph
what shall be their epitaph?
"they died with their phones on
died with their phones on"
where are the asbo screws
in their burberry tattoos?
they died with their phones on
died with their phones on
painted technicolor
but inanimate and duller
they died with their phones on
died with their phones on

what happened to the dickheads
who said everything was wicked?
they died with their phones on
died with their phones on
did their stab-back projection
offer them protection?
they died with their phones on
died with their phones on
monuments to instant boredom
wish you could afford 'em but
they died with their phones on
died with their phones on
heroes posing on the stages
wipe their arses with your wages
they died with their phones on
died with their phones on


BEE-STING LIPS
(Lyrics: Paul Hamilton)

forget nominal aphasia and all the oojimaflips
remember the wasp-waisted girl with the bee-sting lips
forget the cellulite show and the skinny dips
remember the wasp-waisted girl with the bee-sting lips

indian summer
french kiss
dutch courage
endearinglishness
i didn't come down with the last shower of rain
but that's me sliding down her window pane

forget nominal aphasia and all the oojimaflips
remember the wasp-waisted girl with the bee-sting lips
forget the two-left-feet dancer in the flip-flips
remember the wasp-waisted girl with the bee-sting lips

no shock horror
no star birds
no agony aunts
no crosswords
when it feels that the world is a sewer
there's a place in my heart that remains pure

forget the cellulite show and the skinny dips
remember the wasp-waisted girl and the bee-sting lips
forget nominal aphasia and all the oojimaflips
remember the wasp-waisted girl with the bee-sting lips

it will fade
it will fade
it will fade
it will fade
it will fade
it will fade...


BEST
(Lyrics: Paul Hamilton/Andy Thomson)

make way for the dying legend
living down to expectations
out of your league for class and style, and
deconstructing state relations

the richest embarrassment of talent
i'm asked in a tone that mocks,
"your obsession with sex and soccer -
is it all about getting a tackle in the box?"

in your hero top ten i'm first
and even at my very worst

i'm best!
i'm best!
[best!]
looking great in shorts and vest
[best!]
the ladies love my hairy chest
scoring for the boring, playing the field
all angles covered, unnaturally skilled
i'm best

have my pills swallowed themselves?
did my bed grow that english rose there?
and has my vodka drunk itself?
it was all there last night, i swear!

what tailor embroidered sick on my suit?
have my cigarettes smoked themselves right down?
i've thrown away my kingdom
but i've still got half a crown

you may spot me sporting a poultice
and here's another thing you can't fail to notice

i'm best!
i'm best!
[best!]
looking great in shorts and vest
[best!]
the ladies love my hairy chest
blarney stone swallower, playing the field
all angles covered, unnaturally skilled
i'm best
yeah yeah yeah - i'm best!

there's always a backslapper wants to buy me a drink
and all of his friends, they've got to buy me a drink
till my grin is fixed and down i sink
sink into the ditches
that's when those sons of bitches
start taking all their pictures

flash! flash! flash! snap those jokers
but even though i'm out of focus

i'm best!
i'm best!
[best!]
looking great in shorts and vest
[best!]
the ladies love my hairy chest
[best!]
grandstanding, playing the field
[best!]
all angles covered, unnaturally skilled
i'm [best!]
i do solemnly confess
i'm [best!]
check the family crest
i'm [best!]
yes! yes! yes!
i'm best!


IN SOMEONE'S HANDS
(Lyrics: Paul Hamilton)

why do you see me as inhuman?
i only do what everyone's doing
to buy some basic food to chew and
send some money back home

to my family, i so miss them
i don't know when i'll see them again -

but for now i have to work 15 hours a day
in the wind and the rain
and i can't complain
for only five hours' pay.

don't accuse me of putting you out on the dole
i can't argue about things that are beyond our control.
what will it take to make you understand
we're manipulated like putty in someone's hands?
we're all numbers on a sheet
pieces of meat
putty in someone's hands.

i like your cuppa, your runny egg sandwich
i'm learning to speak your language
and trying to forget the damage
that forced me to leave home.

my loving family, i so miss them
every day is like mother's day and i'm an orphan -

but i got to work 15 hours a day
in the wind and the rain
and i can't complain
for only five hours' pay.

don't accuse us of stealing all your jobs
blame them in the penthouses, private planes and yachts.
what will it take to make you understand
we're manipulated like putty in someone's hands?
we're all numbers on a sheet
pieces of meat
putty in someone's hands.


WHO NEEDS LUCK?
(Lyrics: Andy Thomson)

you get what you go for in this godforsaken world
and when you screw it up, then on the scrapheap you are hurled
there's winners and there's losers, it's unpleasant but a fact
when you're on the downslide you see all the things you lacked

who needs luck?
who needs luck?
who needs luck?
who needs luck?

it doesn't matter who you are, a sinner or a saint
if you live around here you either got it or you ain't
put away that credit card, your money doesn't count
but when it comes to love you've always got the right amount

who needs luck? [x 4]

life might be a classroom with much too much to learn
death may bring release, it's true, but that's of no concern
the t's were crossed, the i's dotted many years ago
the letters signed and duly blotted and now you're on your own

who needs luck? [x 4]

well, i practised every day and i did the best i could
it came as no surprise to me i turned out so good
everybody's fainting now, yeah, they find it hard to take
all i hear them say is, 'that cat just got a lucky break'

who needs luck? [x 8]


TERMITES AND TESCO'S
(Lyrics: Paul Hamilton)

come in, the war's lovely
our new enemies must be crushed
our blood must remain pure
our brains must be washed
see that white flag
but is that all they're holding?
is this a time of peace
or they re-loading?

the laughter hollow
the smiles forced
and all that'll survive
the holocaust

termites and tescos

we made your wife a widow
your unborn child will know your name
and your face from a photo
you were breathtakingly framed
you gave your life
so freedom could be saved
for shits to daub swastikas
on your grave

genocide
god-endorsed
and all that'll survive
the holocaust

termites and tescos

is it such a great leap to make
to see a situation escalate
from summer picnic game
played with ball and bat
to scorched fields of dead children
- god's welcome mat?

it takes a big man with a big mouth
to feed small-minded hate
it takes a bigger man to drop his arms
turn and walk away

no war memoirs
ghost-written, of course
the only survivors
of this holocaust...


BLUE SHIRT
(Lyrics: Paul Hamilton)

you awoke feeling broken-hearted, lost and dislocated
where love is diluted and hate is concentrated
you ask your friends, "do you feel it, too?"
they laugh, "love comes in spurts"
but you've not looked beneath the surface
of this blue shirt

paradise in your eyes is cancerous, gone rotten
but you will find it's all in your mind and there's something you've forgotten
the taller you get, the further you see
a longer reach gets more hearts hurt
and there's something beating
beneath this blue shirt

this blue shirt is only workday apparel that i stand in
but behind it is someone who, like you, needs love and understanding
the rules of the game are so complicated
cynics snort, "it's overrated"
but how would they know?
they merely flirt
let's put our hands in the fire
let's get burnt
take off your blindfold
take off this blue shirt

time can tell and time can heal and now (now!!!) is the time
to get it straight and get it fixed - can you get that in your mind?
you're not the first to get knocked down
and stamped into the dirt
can you see what's imbedded
deep in this blue shirt?

this blue shirt is only workday apparel that i stand in
but behind it is someone who, like you, needs love and understanding
the rules of the game are so complicated
cynics snort, "it's overrated"
but how would they know?
they merely flirt
let's put our hands in the fire
let's get burnt
take off your blindfold
take off this blue shirt


BULLSHITTERS' CONVENTION
(Lyrics: Andy Thomson)

if you have time then come to our convention
everyone will be there soaking up the tension
upper class twits, working class ear'oles
i.q.s from the hundreds right down to the zeroes
you too can feel (that) you've been circumvented
every walk of life will be misrepresented
we've sent out invitations too numerous to mention
come and say your piece down at the bullshitters' convention

you'll learnt the knack of talking through your trousers
you'll pick up hints and styles amongst carousers
which way to choose, there's such a wide assortment
inconsistency of course is most important
you'll make up bull they'll think you're pioneering
within a week you'll be electioneering
it seems like all the wrong guys got locked up in detention
we're rounding up the right ones at the bullshitters' convention

you'll try to learn the art of domination
and go from there to mass manipulation
can you be proud to be in advertising?
do you just spend your time apologising?
heroic stance but really you're a bastard
questions will be asked, they'll remain unanswered
the misuse by authorities of every new invention
there'll be an explanation at the bullshitters' convention

bullshit! bullshit!
here they come - full of it
bullshit! bullshit!
here they come - full of it

if you can't come then don't be disconcerted
they're everywhere, just watch and get converted
the arm around you, acting like a bulwark
a good funeral brings them out the woodwork
they'll sell you things you never could imagine
poetic licence, tax relief on urine
by the time you're thirty you'll be picking up your pension
they'll show you - "it's a doddle!" - at the bullshitters' convention.

bullshit! bullshit!
here they come - full of it
bullshit! bullshit!
here they come - full of it

bullshit! (bullshit) bullshit! (bullshit)
here they come (bullshit) - full of it
bullshit! (bullshit) bullshit! (bullshit)
here we come (bullshit) - we're full of it!


MISSING PERSON
(Lyrics: Paul Hamilton)

well, me and mum don't know where to look
you left no clue, no note, nothing of yours was took
a bouquet of bowed heads and more tea all around
but it don't get you found

couldn't you see we gave you everything?
did it seem like it didn't mean a thing?
granny's saying where we went wrong; she knows best and that's great
oh, but it's too late

useless words
go unheard
'cos no-one knows for certain
what to do
the police's view
is you're another missing person

i used to know but now i have to think
i should try and sleep but i can't even blink
there's your bike in the garden, there's a phone in the hall
so why don't you call?
WHY DON'T YOU CALL?

useless words
go unheard
'cos no-one knows for certain
what to do
the police's view
is you're another missing person
you're another missing person


THE JOKERS
(Lyrics: Paul Hamilton)

i can see jeannie in a bottle
upfalling, dancing on air bubbles
she laughed away all my troubles
and gave me some of her own.
if you love me, blow up parliament
raise an army, bring down the government
take me where the rainbow ends
and buy me an ice cream cone.

i've had it with prudence
i've had it with hope
i've had it with charity
had it with simply trying to cope
i've had it with ruby
i've had it with jade
i've had with pearl
thought i had it made

and the jokers keep on laughing
saying, 'do you get it?'
yeah... we get it
and the punchlines don't hit hard now
you've said it
now forget it

i wish i was your sister
i would live in your house forever
no hurry, rolling in the heather
never worry 'bout going south.
every flower's life is a fight
struggling for a place in the light
i see when i close my eyes tight
dead girl with a poppy in the mouth.

i've had it with joy
i've had it with grace
i've had it with rose
fell apart in my face
i've had it with april
i've had it with may
i've had it with june
rip it down, throw it all away

and the jokers keep on laughing
saying, 'do you get it it?'
yeah... we get it
and the punchlines don't come hard now
you've said it
now forget it
forget it!


I WANT ONE TOO
(Lyrics: Paul Hamilton)

daniella's got one
mariella's got one
mr weller's got one
and i want one too

gemma's got a square one
the price a far-from-fair one
emma's got a rare one
and i want one too

i got to have it, have it, have it, have it
have it, have it, have it, have it now!!!!
so give me, give me, give me, give me
give me, give me, give me, give me
have it, have it, have it, have it
have it, have it, have it, have it now!!!!
right with me, with me, with me, with me
with me, with me, with me. with me

daniella's got a neat one
mariella's got a sweet one
mr weller's got a petite one
and i want one too

jackie's got a red one
taki's got the best one
i have got a question
can i have one too?

i got to have it, have it, have it, have it
have it, have it, have it, have it now!!!!
so give me, give me, give me, give me
give me, give me, give me, give me
have it, have it, have it, have it
have it, have it, have it, have it now!!!!
right with me, with me, with me, with me
with me, with me, with me, with me

and now at last i've got one
yes, it's true, i've got one
and now i've finally got one
what does it do?


IF ONLY WE COULD
(Lyrics: Andy Thomson)

if only we could get on that plane
and fly to the sun
before it gets too late
and we got nowhere to run
we could lie on that beach
and soak up the rays
what a lovely, easy way
to spend the rest of our days
take my hand, it'd be so good
oh, oh-ho oh - if only we could

if only we could get that plane
and find paradise
leave our troubles behind
that's cheap at the price
staying up, staying out
where nothing is wrong
making love in the moonlight
to our favourite song
take my hand, it's be so good
oh, oh-ho oh - if only we could

there's so much there to hate
there's so much that is rotten
can you imagine life
with the bad guys all forgotten?
if only we could get away
oh, wouldn't it be good?
if only, if only, if only
if only -

- we could we could do it right now
and never look back
a permanent honey
not fiction but fact
material junk
won't help us to succeed
our love is what's important
that is all that we need
take my hand, it'd be so good
oh, oh-ho oh - if only we could

if only we could
if only we could
if only we could
if only we could

LYRICS COMPOSED BY PAUL HAMILTON &/OR ANDY THOMSON 2006-2010. © PAUL HAMILTON AND ANDY THOMSON, 2011. Reproduced by permission.

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